Being bullied? 10 Things You Should Know.

Family is supposed to be our safe haven.  Sometimes, however, it’s the place where we find the deepest heartache.

It is sad that this statement is true. People can be so mean. We grow up and we start dating and we can only hope that everyone is kind, but that is not always the case. There are so many people I have spoken with that were and are being mistreated by their own family or in laws. We often forget that it is just not children who are bullied, but well into our adult  years we can be bullied. I have a close relative who was always treated horribly by her mother-in-law. She is so sweet and would do her best to be a part of the family but for some reason she was just treated horribly. Thankfully all of her husbands siblings were polite to her and made her feel welcome. When I would confide in her and cry to her about the things I was experiencing she would always tell me to pray for the ones who hurt me and just let it go. I think maybe it is hard for me to understand why I am bullied because I have great relationships with everyone else. It is just so strange. The only thing I can think of is that the person who bullies me must be seriously hurting and although it is not fun to be the one targeted for their pain, I have to just take it for the sake of everyone else.

Here are some things to remember when dealing with a toxic family member.

1. They may not be an inherently bad person, but they’re not the right person to be spending time with every day. – Not all toxic family relationships are agonizing and uncaring on purpose.  Some of them involve people who care about you – people who have good intentions, but are toxic because their needs and way of existing in the world force you to compromise yourself and your happiness. And as hard as it is, we have to distance ourselves enough to give ourselves space to live.  You simply can’t ruin yourself on a daily basis for the sake of someone else.  You have to make your well-being a priority.  Whether that means spending less time with someone, loving a family member from a distance, letting go entirely, or temporarily removing yourself from a situation that feels painful – you have every right to leave and create some healthy space for yourself.
2. Toxic people often hide cleverly behind passive aggression. – Passive aggressive behavior takes many forms but can generally be described as a non-verbal aggression that manifests in negative behavior.  Instead of openly expressing how they feel, someone makes subtle, annoying gestures directed at you.  Instead of saying what’s actually upsetting them, they find small and petty ways to take jabs at you until you pay attention and get upset.  This is obviously a toxic relationship situation.  It shows this person is set on not communicating openly and clearly with you.  Keep in mind that most sane human beings will feel no reason to be passive-aggressive toward you if they feel safe expressing themselves.  In other words, they won’t feel a need to hide behind passive aggression if they feel like they won’t be judged or criticized for what they are thinking.  So make it clear to your family members that you accept them for who they are, and that they aren’t necessarily responsible or obligated to your ideas and opinions, but that you’d love to have their support.  If they care about you, they will likely give it, or at least compromise in some way.  And if they refuse to, and continue their passive aggression, you may have no choice but to create some of that space discussed in point #1.  
3. They will try to bully you into submission if you let them. – We always hear about schoolyard bullies, but the biggest bullies are often toxic family members.  And bullying is never OK.  Period!  There is no freedom on Earth that gives someone the right to assault who you are as a person.  Sadly, some people just won’t be happy until they’ve pushed your ego to the ground and stomped on it.  What you have to do is have the nerve to stand up for yourself.  Don’t give them leeway.  Nobody has the power to make you feel small unless you give them that power.  It takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies, but just as much to stand up to your family and friends.  Sometimes bullying comes from the most unlikely places.  Be cognizant of how the people closest to you treat you, and look out for the subtle jabs they throw.  When necessary, confront them – whatever it takes to give yourself the opportunity to grow into who you really are.
4. Pretending their toxic behavior is OK is NOT OK. – If you’re not careful, toxic family members can use their moody behavior to get preferential treatment, because… well… it just seems easier to quiet them down than to listen to their grouchy rhetoric.  Don’t be fooled.  Short-term ease equals long-term pain for you in a situation like this.  Toxic people don’t change if they are being rewarded for not changing.  Decide this minute not to be influenced by their behavior.  Stop tiptoeing around them or making special pardons for their continued belligerence.  Constant drama and negativity is never worth putting up with.  If someone in your family over the age 21 can’t be a reasonable, reliable, respectful adult on a regular basis, it’s time to speak up and stand your ground.
5. You do not have to neglect yourself just because they do. – Practice self care everyday. Seriously, if you’re forced to live or work with a toxic person, then make sure you get enough alone time to rest and recuperate.  Having to play the role of a ‘focused, rational adult’ in the face of toxic moodiness can be exhausting, and if you’re not careful, the toxicity can infect you.  Toxic family members can keep you up at night as you constantly question yourself: “Am I doing the right thing?  Am I really so terrible that they despise me so much?  I can’t BELIEVE she did that!  I’m so hurt!!” Thoughts like these can keep you agonizing for weeks, months, or even years.  Sometimes this is the goal of a toxic family member, to drive you mad and make you out to be the crazy one.  Because oftentimes they have no idea why they feel the way they do, and they can’t see beyond their own emotional needs… hence their relentless toxic communication and actions.  And since you can’t control what they do, it’s important to take care of yourself so you can remain centered, feeling healthy and ready to live positively in the face of negativity when you must! Mindfulness, meditation, prayer and regular exercise work wonders.
6. If their toxic behavior becomes physical, it’s a legal matter that must be addressed. – If you’ve survived the wrath of a physical abuser in your family, and you tried to reconcile things… If you forgave, and you struggled, and even if the expression of your grief had you succumb to outbursts of toxic anger… If you spent years hanging on to the notions of trust and faith, even after you knew in your heart that those beautiful intangibles, upon which love is built and sustained, would never be returned… And especially, if you stood up as the barrier between an abuser and someone else, and took the brunt of the abuse in their place… You are a HERO!  But now it’s time to be the hero of your future.  Enough is enough!  If someone is physically abusive, they are breaking the law and they need to deal with the consequences of their actions.
7. Although it’s hard, you can’t take their toxic behavior personally. – It’s them, not you.  KNOW this.  Toxic family members will likely try to imply that somehow you’ve done something wrong.  And because the ‘feeling guilty’ button is quite large on many of us, even the implication that we might have done something wrong can hurt our confidence and unsettle our resolve.  Don’t let this happen to you.  Remember, there is a huge amount of freedom that comes to you when you take nothing personally.  Most toxic people behave negatively not just to you, but to everyone they interact with.  Even when the situation seems personal – even if you feel directly insulted – it usually has nothing to do with you.  What they say and do, and the opinions they have, are based entirely on their own self-reflection.  
8. Hating them for being toxic only brings more toxicity into your life. – As Gandhi once said, “An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind.”  Regardless of how despicable a family member has acted, never let hate build in your heart.  Fighting hatred with hatred only hurts you more.  When you decide to hate someone you automatically begin digging two graves: one for your enemy and one for yourself.  Hateful grudges are for those who insist that they are owed something.  Forgiveness, on the other hand, is for those who are strong enough and smart enough to move on.  After all, the best revenge is to be unlike the person who hurt you. The best revenge is living well, in a way that creates peace in your heart.
9. People can change, and some toxic family relationships can be repaired in the long run. – When trust is broken, which happens in nearly every family relationship at some point, it’s essential to understand that it can be repaired, provided both people are willing to do the hard work of self-growth.  In fact, it’s at this time, when it feels like the solid bedrock of your relationship has crumbled into dust, that you’re being given an opportunity to shed the patterns and dynamics with each other that haven’t been serving you.  It’s painful work and a painful time, and the impulse will be walk away, especially if you believe that broken trust cannot be repaired.  But if you understand that trust levels rise and fall over the course of a lifetime you’ll be more likely to find the strength to hang in, hang on, and grow together.  But it does take two.  You can’t do it alone.
10. Sadly, sometimes all you can do is let go for good. – All details aside, this is your life.  You may not be able to control all the things toxic family members do to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them in the long run.  You can decide not to let their actions and opinions continuously invade your heart and mind.  And above all, you can decide whom to walk beside into tomorrow, and whom to leave behind today.  In a perfect world we would always be able to fix our relationships with toxic family members, but as you know the world isn’t perfect.  Put in the effort and do what you can to keep things intact, but don’t be afraid to let go and do what’s right for YOU when you must.

The floor is  yours! What are your experiences with toxic family members? What have you done to cope with their toxic behavior? Please share your thoughts by leaving a comment below! 

Thank you Jesus for the power of prayer. Please take all those affected by bullying and give them the strength to be the bigger person. Please bless the lives of the bully. They are struggling and might not know it but there is no excuse for their behavior. 

         Chernoff, Marc. (N.D.) Retrieved online on Jan 26th, 2017 from http://www.marcandangel.com/2015/05/03/10-things-to-remember-about-toxic-family-members/

              SCAPEGOATING


Most of us who are targeted and bullied are done for reasons beyond our control. A lot of times the reasons that someone is chosen to be bullied is because there is some background in the bullies life that they can't or won't address and they will eventually begin taking it out on someone else.

Why would a family chose a loved one to bully and scapegoat? Scapegoating is often a way for families to hide problems that they cannot face. For example, say someone grew up being abused by both parents. As an adult child, scapegoating became the way for the adult child to hide the history of abuse. This adult child would then choose to pick someone out, usually someone who is a newcomer to the family to pick on, or scapegoat. This person could also be a fellow sibling, cousin, etc, that shows to be more vulnerable. Likewise, if there is some lack of relationship between a child and a parent, that person might also become a bully because the relationship has caused them to have some anger or disappointment that they won't address.

I feel that the one who was considered the "mean" brother or sister will usually become the bully towards the person that the other siblings choose to marry or bring around. In my personal experience I have seen and heard firsthand the treatment of a man's wife who was being bullied by a sibling of her husbands. The wife would make personal choices that wouldn't sit well with the bully in the family, so the wife became the target. She was then picked apart and the nice person that I had been told about and that I had a little interaction with was so scattered. I saw a nice, quiet, gentle person. She began to become belittled after the initial incident and everything she did from then on was "wrong" in the families eyes because the bully would say or would make the wife out to be bad. Because of the expectations of the bully in the family,  the wife didn't seem to stand a chance.

One of the incidents I know of involved a personal choice. If you are being put in a situation and feel as if you are trying to be forced to give out information that maybe you want to keep between you and your spouse, you and your best friend, or you and God, then do it. If something doesn't involve the other persons body then it is not their business. There are certain reasons why it would be necessary to share information with another person, i.e., if it involves the other persons child, etc,. What we need to remember is that our life is our business. We do not answer to anyone but God. We don't have to answer to some bully in our spouses family or even our own.

Father God, please touch someones life who is struggling with being bullied. Please let those who are on both sides of a bullying situation know what is right and wrong. You are the only one who matters and knows our hearts. Also please touch the person who is  bullying others and let them know that You are there and they don't need to hurt others or blame others and that they can talk to You instead of being the nasty bully that You did not create.

Help me as I share my thoughts and personal situation and knowledge of abuse that You will help me to pray for those who persecute me and help me realize that they have something that they need to let go instead of directing their anger, resentment, or whatever else is hurting them on to me and possibly others.

Amen

Victimology

We have to be mindful and careful how we interact with others. Not everyone wants to talk about what is bothering them and on the other hand those who want to address an issue might not always have a listening ear on the other end. This can cause problems. For example, I had a certain way I felt and wanted to bring it up to the other person and hopefully talk about the issue like adults. I stated I felt a certain way and something had been bothering me. Instead of getting a calm response as an adult would give someone, I got name calling, "screaming" in a text, and hate. This was not my intention. The other factor I noticed was that this person said I always try and find things to start problems. Why did the person think this? My experience is that when  you have an issue you try and talk about it. That is what I was taught by my parents. Not only that but as an adult you just know that in order to handle situations we must talk about them. So while I am sitting there thinking WOW, when I want to bring up my feelings to this person or try and talk about issues that bother me or the way I feel, this person takes that and twists their ideas of me. I am coming to a situation and saying I want to talk about this because it is bothering me. The other person is immediately defensive and pointing fingers that I am trying to start something, when clearly that is not my intention. Why do people act this way? I immediately think back to yesterdays post....

When people pick on someone they are usually jealous of them or their life for some reason. I like to think of this as a form of victimology. This victimology can and will most likely lead to other things such as bullying.

Victimology -

1. • the possession of an outlook, arising from real or imagined victimization, that seems to glorify and indulge the state of being a victim.

   
   

So how does victimology tie in to the above paragraph? If the person you are trying to connect with feels intimidated by you, or jealousy towards you, they will immediately try and play victim. They will try and turn the conversation into attacking you, so that they can play victim. A lot of times they will bring up things they have inside about you that they will not get to the bottom of. Adults in this case will sit down and talk about what is going on. Unless this person has childish ways that is what most adults will do. Family most of the times will sit down and talk about what is bothering them. People might be "family" yet they have no intention of loving or accepting everyone. Especially those who come into "their" family through marriage, etc. It is sad that the outsider will become a victim of bullying because they do not make the bully of a certain group or family happy. If you do not meet the standards of someone who has a bullying mentality then you will most likely be the target.  

So take a step back. I have learned that I have to wipe my hands clean of people like this. There is always room to give more chances, but there is a point when you have to stop giving chances because the situation is obviously futile. You have to step away until the other group or persons can become that like minded adult and stop the negative attacking. Sometimes though when you are dealing with an irrational person or people, there will never be a point when things are fixed or dealt with and you have to let go and move on or you will just become depressed about the situation that you are unable to fix. 

Introduction to Bullying

It has been a while since my last entry. A lot has happened since I wrote last. I was writing about my MS journey, some DIY projects etc., but I want to focus on something that I feel will make an impact. There is a lot of bullying going on around the world. I was never bullied as a child, but now that I am older, I have been on the bad end of the bullying issue.

According to Meriam Webster, a bully is someone who is habitually cruel, insulting, or threatening to others. I have been bullied as an adult. Emotional, mental, and physical abuse is also bullying. Strangers will bully you, but so will people who you consider or are family. Know the signs and when to step away.

I was threatened by someone I considered family and called evil etc by them....this is a form of bullying. I had forgiven the person and decided to let it go even though they never offered an apology for the threat. The best option in this situation would be to get far away from those who are causing mental, physical, and emotional abuse to you. It does make it hard when it is a close person, but you are more important. Your life is more important than to let them try and hurt you in whatever way they feel they can. They will continue to see the bad in your good. People who are hurting or jealous tend to hurt others. My dad said it best. "The others around the relationship don't matter in the long run. If it is you and your spouse, then focus on you 2.....not anyone else's negativity towards you. What matters is your happiness and your spouses happiness, TOGETHER."

Write down a list of the good things about yourself. Do something you love. Find some sort of therapy. I know I am not evil because the Lord made me and He made you!

Matthew 5:11 God blesses you when people mock you and persecute you and lie about you and say all sorts of evil things against you because you are my followers.

A Plant Tip

It's time to plant bright colors and gardens as the winters harshness is now in our past. If your into recycling and reusing, this is a great idea to help save the planet, and put some extra cash in your pocket!

We have some large planters that we have decided to put these beautiful pink roses in.

To save money on soil we have reused some empty plastic bottles, and filled up the planters about half way. Now add your soil and other products that you might want to use.










The plastic bottles help to not only save money and recycle(reuse), but they also make the bigger planters not so heavy so that you can move them around more often!

This all was Blake's idea, what an earth friendly man!

WILL UPDATE SOON.

We are recording a lot, i will start updating on progress! Hopefully have some stuff up and lots of concerts this summer!

A Cowboy named Eddie.

In my most recent blog I took a picture of one of the spaces above our bed. In the space was this painting of a cowboy that we found when we moved in. (The house we moved into belonged to Blake's grandparents.)

Come to find out, this was not just a random person, this picture is of Blake's dads brother, Eddie, who died when he was around 18. We thought it was really neat how we found this.

A couple weeks later, I was cleaning out more places in the house and came across this picture...As you can see, it is the actual photograph taken years ago that the painting was copied from. I really have no idea who painted it, and the back of the picture reads some company in Healdton, Oklahoma that does not exist anymore.

Look at the people in the background, they are not protected by a gate at all, the painting has a gate around the arena.











My brother Josh's girlfriend's father does really awesome things with pictures, and I had him make 3 of these tile pictures for Blake's dad and his uncles. Something that they can remember their brother by who unfortunately left them all so early. They are pretty big, and they put the old pieces of wood around them as the frame, rustic. Love it!

So wonderful we came across these, here is the website were you can reach Mr. Fuller to get some neat things made from your pics, even these awesome wall mount tiled pics like we got.

http://www.fullerprints.com/

Green and Unique Decorating

I love old photo frames. This is one of my uses that I have had hanging up forever that I just wanted to show. Found this old frame about 5 years or so ago and I painted it. Then I bought the 2 peace sign hooks at a local shop, and just hung them up and then put the frame around them. So cute.

Another thing I love doing is putting random objects together on a wall. Like the walls above our bed.  Its fun to stagger, and put things that are of different colors, fabrics, styles together and make it your own. Pictures mix well in too with this kind of showcase! As you can see I have 2 paintings there as well. So be creative and who cares what you hang up, its your space and your style!

Good news.

It has been a long time since I have written. I am a busy person. My 1 year MRI follow up for the medicine I am taking for my Multiple Sclerosis showed positive notes. It read that the disease was currently inactive. Amen. Thank you God. I knew He had my back, He always does.

I was emailed an article about a doctor who had MS. She became confined to her wheelchair and had to use two canes to get to the bathroom. She decided she needed to find a way to be better. She did a lot of research and found that people with MS have a need for certain Vitamins, and she started taking them, and eating a raw food diet. She reversed her MS in 9 months and now she is able to ride a bike and is very active. So with that being said. I have decided to do the same. I have bought Fish Oil,  Vitamin B Complex, Vitamin D, which my doctor had already told me I needed to take, Lecithin, which I have been taking already also, because I read in a book about MS that it was good for me. The truth is, if people would just start eating like our ancestors did before fast food, processed foods, etc, disease would be less and health would be more. I am also giving my son 1000 u of Vitamin D a day. It was recommended since I have MS. Keep him from possibly EVER acquiring this disease.

The love of a family

I know it has been a while since I have posted. I have started summer school and been working on a lot of things with my recent diagnoses, such as therapy, and learning how to alter my lifestyle to learn how to manage my MS the best way I can. And in all that still being a "spouse" and a mother of a 20 month old little boy. I am going to try and catch you up on this past summer, because its been almost 3 months since I wrote last.

April 30th of this year was the Walk MS-OKC. My sister started a team and it was called "Team Gean." Gean is my middle name and also the name of our Event Planning company that we established last year. www.geanparties.com Little ad throw in ;) I was named after my mothers best friend Gina who died of cancer in her younger years. Also, my dads oldest sister and my mothers oldest sisters middle names are Jean/Eugenia, the Spanish translation. Team Gean consisted of friends and family members and raised about 2000 dollars for the National M.S. Society/ Oklahoma Chapter. The walk was at the OKC ZOO and raised about 150K dollars! Around 2500 people showed up to support and walk for this cause, that has now became my cause as well.

As Blake, Baylem, and I, our little family, made our way into the parking lot of the Zoo, It struck me of what I might see. And I am not going to lie, I did become a little choked up and scared. There might be people here that are in wheelchairs because of this disease. That moment on I was so scared as we walked up to the meeting point. I had just been recently diagnosed with MS, and in my mind I wasn't ready to handle the what if's, or that could be me one day. Just as I expected there were people in wheelchairs, young and old. Was I stupid for thinking there wouldn't be or was I just still putting off the thoughts, and was still maybe in denial.
You know when your young and you don't know why or understand why certain people have to use a mobility device and you might stare? Well that was me that day. There I was, 27 years old staring at those people with disabilities in the wheel chairs. How dare me. But in reality we had something special in common that lead up to their aid. We both have M.S. I found myself looking at not just the chairs, but their legs, or their arms, facial expressions, demeanor. One thing I did notice was that they all looked content.

There was Team Gean waiting for the walk to begin. As I looked around I saw my cousins, aunt, my cousins children, family friends, and friends of my family members that I might not have known. My sister handed me the t-shirt she had made. It was green, my favorite color, and on the front it read "Team Gean, She will run again." It took everything I had for me to not start crying. All these people were there for me. They loved me and were concerned and wanted to support me. They woke up early on a Saturday and took the time out of their lives to do this. It meant so much to me. Especially being newly diagnosed and not knowing how to handle myself and still being in a whirlwind of disbelief, anxiety, and just thousands of different emotions all at once. I love them all very much.

We started the walk and I had to hold on to my son, Baylem's stroller. I have noticed over the past 3 years I have needed something in front of me to be able to walk without tripping. We took him over to the animals as we walked. When we pulled over for a bathroom break, I noticed there was a wheelchair sitting outside the restroom I was at. I went in and there were 2 older ladies inside. As I came out I realized it was gone, and it had been one of those ladies who looked totally capable of walking. This is the conclusion I drew in my head: maybe they are like me and just need help. Not the fact that they are confined to it, just a little extra help like my sons stroller. It made me think differently about all the people who I supposed needed the chair. They might have needed help, and I am sitting here thinking that they were doomed, and so was I. That is not always the case. Just because your in a wheelchair doesn't mean you can not enjoy life. I knew that and has always known that but its harder to accept when it might be something you think about more.

My family is so close and God has blessed us so much. It is so weird to say this but I guess since we are on the topic of family I might as well. When things started to become strange for me around the time I was diagnosed and experiencing more symptoms and had a relapse, I was driving home thinking. I thought about how blessed our family was and how awesome of a connection we all have maintained. I contribute that to our parents and their parents. I thought about how we have been so blessed that we have not lost any of our immediate family members from diseases or tragically because I hear of a lot of families who have and do experience that. I began thinking I haven't always felt so good and I wonder if my physical condition is the reason. Is it me the one who is going to be that person? The cousin, sister, aunt, etc. who will have to endure a hardship. (We did lose our Uncle Andy at a young age. Even though he was divorced from my mother's sister, I still loved him and considered him my unlce, we all did.) Was I the one who was going to be faced with a trial because no one in our immediate family really has? I honestly did think that and began to cry because in the back of my mind I knew that something wasn't right, and this might be true. I was scared, but I remember thinking I would rather it be me than my siblings or family that I love dearly, and especially my son.
And it was.

I think about this day often in my mind now. I think about the truth that I will have to face a disease. "It could be worse," is what I always tell people when they say how sorry they are and how bad they feel for me. It really could be worse. Like I said earlier in my blog, I was relieved to hear the diagnoses of multiple sclerosis than a diagnoses of an inoperable tumor. And the truth is as you can see I have such a huge support system that would be there for me no matter if I was in a wheelchair from this, or if I will just always walk with a drag or limp at times. They continue to love me and support me and not all people are blessed with such an amazing support system. So here is to you all. Vickie,Mike, Mandi, Kayli, Jeff, Mickie, Mike, Damon, Dylan, Don, Dana, Kelsey, Kinsey, and all the families you have created. And to my wonderful parents Mike and Debbie and my siblings Jessica, Joshua, and Vincent and your families. I love you and I will endure this and win because I have all of your love. I hope and pray this is the only thing our family will face together and I am fine with that. And lastly to my family Blake and Baylem. Thanks for sticking by me when sometimes I am  unbearable and want to give in. And mostly to our God. I love you all.

I didn't pay dues for this.

I stabbed myself today with a needle. I started my Copaxone injections today. I never imagined in my life that I would be the lucky candidate to receive assistance in paying 1800 dollars a month for medicine and a pen that would shoot this stuff into my body that burns. I never imagined either that I would be a member of a club unwillingly. This club has an awareness week, has non club members hold benefits to raise money for it, and has a color designated to be associated with it. The thing is I didn't sign up for this club, honestly at first I thought I don't want to be a member of your group.

I am not afraid of needles so when I was told that the treatment for MS was injections, I didn't freak out. When I was in middle school I was a cheerleader. I could do all the cheers and was one that could tumble, my mother put my sister and I in gymnastics when we were younger. One day at practice, I took of to do a roundoff back-handspring. There was a problem at the beginning. My wrists could not support what I was doing. I collapsed to the ground in curiosity mid roundoff. I was good at tumbling, now why all of the sudden could I not do it? Also, in basketball practice it hurt so bad when the ball would hit my hands as I was catching it. I sat out a lot in practices, I am sure people might have thought I was faking it. The truth was that I went to another specialist after my dad decided that my blood count was not right, and Dr. Elizabeth Taylor-Albert (no joke) diagnosed me with Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis. The medicine I was put on required that I get blood taken often to ensure my white blood cell count was normal. So that being said, needles have never bothered me.

Stacey is my nurses name. Home care patients can be young too, I am one of them. She came down from Oklahoma City to teach me how to do my injections. A lot of information, but I will get it. I was not afraid really, just more nervous. Did I trust myself to do this? I had to. The first injection seemed to easy to be true. I did all the steps myself with Stacey's help of course, the first culprit of sites was my left thigh. I injected and held the needle in for 10 seconds while the medicine infused into my body. "The medicine could burn inside up to 15 minutes." Stacey said as she asked me how I felt. "Fine." I said "That was easier than I thought." No sooner had those words got out of my mouth than I started feeling really hot, and sweating, and could not catch my breath. I didn't feel good. "You are probably having what we call a site reaction," says Stacey.  I leaned down with my hands on my face, and my elbows to my knees. "I don't like this dad." I started crying. I hated the way my body felt, I made my body feel this way and I did not like it. At this moment I did not want to do this. I really wanted to give up. After 15 minutes I felt relaxed again. "If this happens again tomorrow you need to call your doctor because you might be allergic to the Copaxone." No, I thought to myself. This was the medicine with the least side effects. Plus, I have been waiting about 2 weeks to start my treatment and if I had to change I would have to wait longer. All I have wanted was to get started on treatment, that would not be good.

Stacey left to go back to OKC. She left me there with my parents, a sense of accomplishment, and nervousness. Now it was up to me. I am a member of the club no matter if I want to be or not. I can't let this membership consume my life. I have to still be me and do everything I love to do. I still must respect the club, but not let it ruin me.

Very first patient....literally.

Today was my first appointment at the brand new Multiple Sclerosis Center for Excellence. I literally was the first patient. Dr. Farhat Husain and Dr. Gabriel Pardo and the Oklahoma Medical Research Foundation  have opened up the Multiple Sclerosis Center for Excellence on the campus of the OU Medical Center. Dad and I pulled up to the building this morning and literally they were still constructing the thing on the inside, but it was sure a sight to look at. It was gorgeous, and in the back of my mind I thought, this will be the place I will be spending a lot of my time at pretty soon. I am happy. I am ready to get this started and treated.


We walk in to the freshly put together office. I say that because they were still hooking up the printers, men in construction helmets and tool belts were walking in and out of the office, and all the women behind the glass looked as confused about what exactly to do about the first patient, as I was about my newly discovered condition. I looked at my father, and said "I keep picturing one of the construction men walking out to the lobby and saying, "Erica", just like a nurse would do to call you back at the doctor's office." He laughed.

My father, Miguel Rey Sabedra M.D. is a family physician. He went to Oklahoma Christian College his first year of college and then he transferred to South Western Oklahoma State University in Weatherford, Oklahoma. He had met my mother, from a small town called Hydro and they both attended college there. My father changed his studies from wanting to become a preacher, to biology. He had told me at one point that he just wanted to be able to provide a great life for his family. Not only that, but he has a love for science and the body. He always talks about how amazing the human body is and how God put it together. My father was accepted to the University of Minnesota Medical School, at this time it was one of the top medical institutions in the nation. He also got accepted to Oklahoma University, but he felt this was where he needed to be, and he loved it. He graduated from the University of Minnesota Medical school in 1987. Then we, mom and dad, and my sister and I, moved to Wichita, Kansas. He then continued his residency at St. Francis Hospital. There my brother was born and we then moved to Marlow, Oklahoma. My dad has always been a positive influence in my life. He has always pushed me to stop thinking negatively, no matter what. I know that through this journey, God and my father will be my biggest encouragement.

Dr. Husain is a small Middle Eastern woman. She has short brown hair, dark complected skin, and dark eyes. She wore a navy blue suit jacket with a matching skirt and white collared shirt. Her shoes where brown loafers and she had on glasses. Simple, yet refined. I was referred to her by Dr. Morgan. He said very positive things about her and assured us that she was the best he knew for my condition. She asked me about the symptoms I had and looked at my MRI's. Even Dr. Husain was not prepared for the first patient. She kept running in and out of the room to get paper, then a pen. As she walked back into the room she confirmed what Dr. Morgan had diagnosed. Multiple Sclerosis. We then discussed the treatments that were available today and we decided on Copaxin (sp). The company will travel to my house for a length of time, teach me how to do the subcutaneous injections, and then it will be up to me. She then told me that she wanted me to do a study and I of coursed agreed to all she asked and recommended. I met with Amy, my physical therapist who specializes in MS therapy. I am oh so ready for this recovery. Everything is looking up and I am excited.

Do not Google medical terms.

Here you go Jess, you have basically begged me for three days to enter the blogging world and so I am doing it. I guess I will take your advice and turn this into a book when the time is right. Jessica is my sister, who was at my most recent neurological appointment along with my parents. Let me tell you, if you have never experienced a stressful wait as finding out the results from a brain and spine MRI that took three hours and two Valium, be thankful. Valium because I'm claustrophobic, and three hours of spinal and brain MRI's because I have not ran in about four years.

About four years ago, I was living in Norman, Oklahoma with my ex husband. We had five dogs in our house. Two that were ours, two that were my moms, and one that was his mothers. A mutt, Gizmo, wow I miss that dog. He was dirty, stinky, and fun all in one. I guess that is the case for most dogs. Two Yorkshire terriers, a pit bull with the most gorgeous blue eyes, and a weenie dog. All of them were escape artists, and although they would run away they would always come back. I am telling you this because It was a mad house to say the least. We did not regularly have this many dogs, just ended up dog sitting them all at once. Only the pit bull and the mutt were ours.

As anyone knows it is windy in Oklahoma, we are in tornado alley for goodness sakes. Not only is it windy but we have the most unpredictable weather. It will be hot as hell, or cold and icy and those could occur with in days apart. In 2006 we had a horrible ice storm. I remember it well. Trees were frozen and snapping all over town. It sounded like a war outside. When a tree snapped, you would have thought another bomber had dropped another bomb miles or even blocks away. The neighbors house behind ours had a huge tree that happened to do just that. I am telling you this because it was around this time in my life when I realized something was not right. Unfortunately when it snapped, it fell on our fence. And guess what the dogs did when they realized this? They Ran.

I have never been so relieved to hear the words that I heard two days ago in the office of my second neurologist, Dr. Charles Morgan. Some might think it is ridiculous for me to think so, but in my case, and that day, I was. After years of worrying, praying, anxiety attacks, begging for answers, and unexplained medical issues, I was told that I had multiple sclerosis. The reason I am relieved to hear that I had this life changing illness, was because I would rather have this, something controllable and in my case curable, than an inoperable brain tumor. The reason I say don't Google medical stuff is number one because my dad told me not to, it is crap and always gives the worse examples. Number two because Dr. Morgan also told me not to. If you ask any doctor they will tell you not to. So my advise to you "Don't Google medical things" Curable you ask? Yes, I believe that God will cure this disease. Why? Because I have faith in Him.

My friend Noah Cooley is such an inspiration to me. I had asked him to pray for me because if you want to know, this man has stronger faith than most people I know. I wrote him a message asking for prayers and mentioned that I was worried and scared. He wrote back plainly "FIRE FALL DOWN!". Take it as you want. I know that coming from him it meant the following things: "Satan, get the hell away from my dear friends thoughts and body!", OR "Holy Spirit fall down on my friend." Most likely now that I think about it, Noah meant both and probably more. After that message I texted him and thanked him for the prayers and went on to say praise God I have MS, not something like an inoperable brain tumor. Noah replied saying "Erica, disease is NOT from our God. He will cure it just have faith He will." And so my focus has gone from thanking God for answering my prayers of wanting something controllable to having faith that God will heal this disease. Not only in me but anyone else who believes.