Being bullied? 10 Things You Should Know.

Family is supposed to be our safe haven.  Sometimes, however, it’s the place where we find the deepest heartache.

It is sad that this statement is true. People can be so mean. We grow up and we start dating and we can only hope that everyone is kind, but that is not always the case. There are so many people I have spoken with that were and are being mistreated by their own family or in laws. We often forget that it is just not children who are bullied, but well into our adult  years we can be bullied. I have a close relative who was always treated horribly by her mother-in-law. She is so sweet and would do her best to be a part of the family but for some reason she was just treated horribly. Thankfully all of her husbands siblings were polite to her and made her feel welcome. When I would confide in her and cry to her about the things I was experiencing she would always tell me to pray for the ones who hurt me and just let it go. I think maybe it is hard for me to understand why I am bullied because I have great relationships with everyone else. It is just so strange. The only thing I can think of is that the person who bullies me must be seriously hurting and although it is not fun to be the one targeted for their pain, I have to just take it for the sake of everyone else.

Here are some things to remember when dealing with a toxic family member.

1. They may not be an inherently bad person, but they’re not the right person to be spending time with every day. – Not all toxic family relationships are agonizing and uncaring on purpose.  Some of them involve people who care about you – people who have good intentions, but are toxic because their needs and way of existing in the world force you to compromise yourself and your happiness. And as hard as it is, we have to distance ourselves enough to give ourselves space to live.  You simply can’t ruin yourself on a daily basis for the sake of someone else.  You have to make your well-being a priority.  Whether that means spending less time with someone, loving a family member from a distance, letting go entirely, or temporarily removing yourself from a situation that feels painful – you have every right to leave and create some healthy space for yourself.
2. Toxic people often hide cleverly behind passive aggression. – Passive aggressive behavior takes many forms but can generally be described as a non-verbal aggression that manifests in negative behavior.  Instead of openly expressing how they feel, someone makes subtle, annoying gestures directed at you.  Instead of saying what’s actually upsetting them, they find small and petty ways to take jabs at you until you pay attention and get upset.  This is obviously a toxic relationship situation.  It shows this person is set on not communicating openly and clearly with you.  Keep in mind that most sane human beings will feel no reason to be passive-aggressive toward you if they feel safe expressing themselves.  In other words, they won’t feel a need to hide behind passive aggression if they feel like they won’t be judged or criticized for what they are thinking.  So make it clear to your family members that you accept them for who they are, and that they aren’t necessarily responsible or obligated to your ideas and opinions, but that you’d love to have their support.  If they care about you, they will likely give it, or at least compromise in some way.  And if they refuse to, and continue their passive aggression, you may have no choice but to create some of that space discussed in point #1.  
3. They will try to bully you into submission if you let them. – We always hear about schoolyard bullies, but the biggest bullies are often toxic family members.  And bullying is never OK.  Period!  There is no freedom on Earth that gives someone the right to assault who you are as a person.  Sadly, some people just won’t be happy until they’ve pushed your ego to the ground and stomped on it.  What you have to do is have the nerve to stand up for yourself.  Don’t give them leeway.  Nobody has the power to make you feel small unless you give them that power.  It takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies, but just as much to stand up to your family and friends.  Sometimes bullying comes from the most unlikely places.  Be cognizant of how the people closest to you treat you, and look out for the subtle jabs they throw.  When necessary, confront them – whatever it takes to give yourself the opportunity to grow into who you really are.
4. Pretending their toxic behavior is OK is NOT OK. – If you’re not careful, toxic family members can use their moody behavior to get preferential treatment, because… well… it just seems easier to quiet them down than to listen to their grouchy rhetoric.  Don’t be fooled.  Short-term ease equals long-term pain for you in a situation like this.  Toxic people don’t change if they are being rewarded for not changing.  Decide this minute not to be influenced by their behavior.  Stop tiptoeing around them or making special pardons for their continued belligerence.  Constant drama and negativity is never worth putting up with.  If someone in your family over the age 21 can’t be a reasonable, reliable, respectful adult on a regular basis, it’s time to speak up and stand your ground.
5. You do not have to neglect yourself just because they do. – Practice self care everyday. Seriously, if you’re forced to live or work with a toxic person, then make sure you get enough alone time to rest and recuperate.  Having to play the role of a ‘focused, rational adult’ in the face of toxic moodiness can be exhausting, and if you’re not careful, the toxicity can infect you.  Toxic family members can keep you up at night as you constantly question yourself: “Am I doing the right thing?  Am I really so terrible that they despise me so much?  I can’t BELIEVE she did that!  I’m so hurt!!” Thoughts like these can keep you agonizing for weeks, months, or even years.  Sometimes this is the goal of a toxic family member, to drive you mad and make you out to be the crazy one.  Because oftentimes they have no idea why they feel the way they do, and they can’t see beyond their own emotional needs… hence their relentless toxic communication and actions.  And since you can’t control what they do, it’s important to take care of yourself so you can remain centered, feeling healthy and ready to live positively in the face of negativity when you must! Mindfulness, meditation, prayer and regular exercise work wonders.
6. If their toxic behavior becomes physical, it’s a legal matter that must be addressed. – If you’ve survived the wrath of a physical abuser in your family, and you tried to reconcile things… If you forgave, and you struggled, and even if the expression of your grief had you succumb to outbursts of toxic anger… If you spent years hanging on to the notions of trust and faith, even after you knew in your heart that those beautiful intangibles, upon which love is built and sustained, would never be returned… And especially, if you stood up as the barrier between an abuser and someone else, and took the brunt of the abuse in their place… You are a HERO!  But now it’s time to be the hero of your future.  Enough is enough!  If someone is physically abusive, they are breaking the law and they need to deal with the consequences of their actions.
7. Although it’s hard, you can’t take their toxic behavior personally. – It’s them, not you.  KNOW this.  Toxic family members will likely try to imply that somehow you’ve done something wrong.  And because the ‘feeling guilty’ button is quite large on many of us, even the implication that we might have done something wrong can hurt our confidence and unsettle our resolve.  Don’t let this happen to you.  Remember, there is a huge amount of freedom that comes to you when you take nothing personally.  Most toxic people behave negatively not just to you, but to everyone they interact with.  Even when the situation seems personal – even if you feel directly insulted – it usually has nothing to do with you.  What they say and do, and the opinions they have, are based entirely on their own self-reflection.  
8. Hating them for being toxic only brings more toxicity into your life. – As Gandhi once said, “An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind.”  Regardless of how despicable a family member has acted, never let hate build in your heart.  Fighting hatred with hatred only hurts you more.  When you decide to hate someone you automatically begin digging two graves: one for your enemy and one for yourself.  Hateful grudges are for those who insist that they are owed something.  Forgiveness, on the other hand, is for those who are strong enough and smart enough to move on.  After all, the best revenge is to be unlike the person who hurt you. The best revenge is living well, in a way that creates peace in your heart.
9. People can change, and some toxic family relationships can be repaired in the long run. – When trust is broken, which happens in nearly every family relationship at some point, it’s essential to understand that it can be repaired, provided both people are willing to do the hard work of self-growth.  In fact, it’s at this time, when it feels like the solid bedrock of your relationship has crumbled into dust, that you’re being given an opportunity to shed the patterns and dynamics with each other that haven’t been serving you.  It’s painful work and a painful time, and the impulse will be walk away, especially if you believe that broken trust cannot be repaired.  But if you understand that trust levels rise and fall over the course of a lifetime you’ll be more likely to find the strength to hang in, hang on, and grow together.  But it does take two.  You can’t do it alone.
10. Sadly, sometimes all you can do is let go for good. – All details aside, this is your life.  You may not be able to control all the things toxic family members do to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them in the long run.  You can decide not to let their actions and opinions continuously invade your heart and mind.  And above all, you can decide whom to walk beside into tomorrow, and whom to leave behind today.  In a perfect world we would always be able to fix our relationships with toxic family members, but as you know the world isn’t perfect.  Put in the effort and do what you can to keep things intact, but don’t be afraid to let go and do what’s right for YOU when you must.

The floor is  yours! What are your experiences with toxic family members? What have you done to cope with their toxic behavior? Please share your thoughts by leaving a comment below! 

Thank you Jesus for the power of prayer. Please take all those affected by bullying and give them the strength to be the bigger person. Please bless the lives of the bully. They are struggling and might not know it but there is no excuse for their behavior. 

         Chernoff, Marc. (N.D.) Retrieved online on Jan 26th, 2017 from http://www.marcandangel.com/2015/05/03/10-things-to-remember-about-toxic-family-members/

              SCAPEGOATING


Most of us who are targeted and bullied are done for reasons beyond our control. A lot of times the reasons that someone is chosen to be bullied is because there is some background in the bullies life that they can't or won't address and they will eventually begin taking it out on someone else.

Why would a family chose a loved one to bully and scapegoat? Scapegoating is often a way for families to hide problems that they cannot face. For example, say someone grew up being abused by both parents. As an adult child, scapegoating became the way for the adult child to hide the history of abuse. This adult child would then choose to pick someone out, usually someone who is a newcomer to the family to pick on, or scapegoat. This person could also be a fellow sibling, cousin, etc, that shows to be more vulnerable. Likewise, if there is some lack of relationship between a child and a parent, that person might also become a bully because the relationship has caused them to have some anger or disappointment that they won't address.

I feel that the one who was considered the "mean" brother or sister will usually become the bully towards the person that the other siblings choose to marry or bring around. In my personal experience I have seen and heard firsthand the treatment of a man's wife who was being bullied by a sibling of her husbands. The wife would make personal choices that wouldn't sit well with the bully in the family, so the wife became the target. She was then picked apart and the nice person that I had been told about and that I had a little interaction with was so scattered. I saw a nice, quiet, gentle person. She began to become belittled after the initial incident and everything she did from then on was "wrong" in the families eyes because the bully would say or would make the wife out to be bad. Because of the expectations of the bully in the family,  the wife didn't seem to stand a chance.

One of the incidents I know of involved a personal choice. If you are being put in a situation and feel as if you are trying to be forced to give out information that maybe you want to keep between you and your spouse, you and your best friend, or you and God, then do it. If something doesn't involve the other persons body then it is not their business. There are certain reasons why it would be necessary to share information with another person, i.e., if it involves the other persons child, etc,. What we need to remember is that our life is our business. We do not answer to anyone but God. We don't have to answer to some bully in our spouses family or even our own.

Father God, please touch someones life who is struggling with being bullied. Please let those who are on both sides of a bullying situation know what is right and wrong. You are the only one who matters and knows our hearts. Also please touch the person who is  bullying others and let them know that You are there and they don't need to hurt others or blame others and that they can talk to You instead of being the nasty bully that You did not create.

Help me as I share my thoughts and personal situation and knowledge of abuse that You will help me to pray for those who persecute me and help me realize that they have something that they need to let go instead of directing their anger, resentment, or whatever else is hurting them on to me and possibly others.

Amen

Victimology

We have to be mindful and careful how we interact with others. Not everyone wants to talk about what is bothering them and on the other hand those who want to address an issue might not always have a listening ear on the other end. This can cause problems. For example, I had a certain way I felt and wanted to bring it up to the other person and hopefully talk about the issue like adults. I stated I felt a certain way and something had been bothering me. Instead of getting a calm response as an adult would give someone, I got name calling, "screaming" in a text, and hate. This was not my intention. The other factor I noticed was that this person said I always try and find things to start problems. Why did the person think this? My experience is that when  you have an issue you try and talk about it. That is what I was taught by my parents. Not only that but as an adult you just know that in order to handle situations we must talk about them. So while I am sitting there thinking WOW, when I want to bring up my feelings to this person or try and talk about issues that bother me or the way I feel, this person takes that and twists their ideas of me. I am coming to a situation and saying I want to talk about this because it is bothering me. The other person is immediately defensive and pointing fingers that I am trying to start something, when clearly that is not my intention. Why do people act this way? I immediately think back to yesterdays post....

When people pick on someone they are usually jealous of them or their life for some reason. I like to think of this as a form of victimology. This victimology can and will most likely lead to other things such as bullying.

Victimology -

1. • the possession of an outlook, arising from real or imagined victimization, that seems to glorify and indulge the state of being a victim.

   
   

So how does victimology tie in to the above paragraph? If the person you are trying to connect with feels intimidated by you, or jealousy towards you, they will immediately try and play victim. They will try and turn the conversation into attacking you, so that they can play victim. A lot of times they will bring up things they have inside about you that they will not get to the bottom of. Adults in this case will sit down and talk about what is going on. Unless this person has childish ways that is what most adults will do. Family most of the times will sit down and talk about what is bothering them. People might be "family" yet they have no intention of loving or accepting everyone. Especially those who come into "their" family through marriage, etc. It is sad that the outsider will become a victim of bullying because they do not make the bully of a certain group or family happy. If you do not meet the standards of someone who has a bullying mentality then you will most likely be the target.  

So take a step back. I have learned that I have to wipe my hands clean of people like this. There is always room to give more chances, but there is a point when you have to stop giving chances because the situation is obviously futile. You have to step away until the other group or persons can become that like minded adult and stop the negative attacking. Sometimes though when you are dealing with an irrational person or people, there will never be a point when things are fixed or dealt with and you have to let go and move on or you will just become depressed about the situation that you are unable to fix. 

Introduction to Bullying

It has been a while since my last entry. A lot has happened since I wrote last. I was writing about my MS journey, some DIY projects etc., but I want to focus on something that I feel will make an impact. There is a lot of bullying going on around the world. I was never bullied as a child, but now that I am older, I have been on the bad end of the bullying issue.

According to Meriam Webster, a bully is someone who is habitually cruel, insulting, or threatening to others. I have been bullied as an adult. Emotional, mental, and physical abuse is also bullying. Strangers will bully you, but so will people who you consider or are family. Know the signs and when to step away.

I was threatened by someone I considered family and called evil etc by them....this is a form of bullying. I had forgiven the person and decided to let it go even though they never offered an apology for the threat. The best option in this situation would be to get far away from those who are causing mental, physical, and emotional abuse to you. It does make it hard when it is a close person, but you are more important. Your life is more important than to let them try and hurt you in whatever way they feel they can. They will continue to see the bad in your good. People who are hurting or jealous tend to hurt others. My dad said it best. "The others around the relationship don't matter in the long run. If it is you and your spouse, then focus on you 2.....not anyone else's negativity towards you. What matters is your happiness and your spouses happiness, TOGETHER."

Write down a list of the good things about yourself. Do something you love. Find some sort of therapy. I know I am not evil because the Lord made me and He made you!

Matthew 5:11 God blesses you when people mock you and persecute you and lie about you and say all sorts of evil things against you because you are my followers.

A Plant Tip

It's time to plant bright colors and gardens as the winters harshness is now in our past. If your into recycling and reusing, this is a great idea to help save the planet, and put some extra cash in your pocket!

We have some large planters that we have decided to put these beautiful pink roses in.

To save money on soil we have reused some empty plastic bottles, and filled up the planters about half way. Now add your soil and other products that you might want to use.










The plastic bottles help to not only save money and recycle(reuse), but they also make the bigger planters not so heavy so that you can move them around more often!

This all was Blake's idea, what an earth friendly man!

WILL UPDATE SOON.

We are recording a lot, i will start updating on progress! Hopefully have some stuff up and lots of concerts this summer!

A Cowboy named Eddie.

In my most recent blog I took a picture of one of the spaces above our bed. In the space was this painting of a cowboy that we found when we moved in. (The house we moved into belonged to Blake's grandparents.)

Come to find out, this was not just a random person, this picture is of Blake's dads brother, Eddie, who died when he was around 18. We thought it was really neat how we found this.

A couple weeks later, I was cleaning out more places in the house and came across this picture...As you can see, it is the actual photograph taken years ago that the painting was copied from. I really have no idea who painted it, and the back of the picture reads some company in Healdton, Oklahoma that does not exist anymore.

Look at the people in the background, they are not protected by a gate at all, the painting has a gate around the arena.











My brother Josh's girlfriend's father does really awesome things with pictures, and I had him make 3 of these tile pictures for Blake's dad and his uncles. Something that they can remember their brother by who unfortunately left them all so early. They are pretty big, and they put the old pieces of wood around them as the frame, rustic. Love it!

So wonderful we came across these, here is the website were you can reach Mr. Fuller to get some neat things made from your pics, even these awesome wall mount tiled pics like we got.

http://www.fullerprints.com/